Top 5 Insights From My UDC Weekend

INSIGHT

INSIGHT

Life-Changing Breakthroughs From A Dating Confidence Seminar

Join Dr. Aziz as he reveals the five biggest breakthroughs and insights that participants in his Unlimited Dating Confidence seminar experienced. You’ll learn first-hand what happened, and how people were able to rapidly shed fear and perfectionism. Discover how to freely and boldly be yourself so you can attract the women you really want

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Hey everybody! Welcome to today’s episode of the show. How are you doing today? So, what we’re going to be talking about today are my top five insights of my Unlimited Dating Confidence Bootcamp weekend. We just had one recently here in Portland, Oregon. It was awesome. It was a great group. There was about 25 people there, plus about three people on my leadership team. It was great. It was a big group but it was a very intimate and small setting so we could really interact and get to know each other and answer tons of questions and just really see people progress over the course of three days. My favorite thing that I do, probably at this point, is teaching those events. What I love about it is being able to see real-time progress. But what I also love is how much I learn. Because I’m a life-long learner. I’m perpetually learning. I can’t stop learning. It’s different from reading a book or taking something in. There are just so many distinctions I make. From answering questions, from hearing from people what they share, and from seeing things. It’s super exciting, and I wanted to capture the top five insights that I had from this experience while they’re fresh before I forget them and share them with you because for whatever reason you couldn’t be there. Maybe you didn’t even know of me at that time. Or you are super far away. Although we had people from out of the country come. Or you thought about it and then you’re like, “Oh, that sounds so scary and uncomfortable. I’ll pass.” Well, catch me on the next one. We’ll have our next event in March of 2017.

Let’s dive into these five insights from the weekend. This was all about Unlimited Dating Confidence. I want you to think about your own dating confidence right now, your own dating life. And here’s the thing: The technical name of the weekend, if I were to give it a more accurate title, would be: The Ultimate Dating and Relationship Confidence Bootcamp. Doesn’t quite roll off the tongue in the same way but this stuff is key for all relationships. And if you want to meet someone, whether you just want to have a one-night-stand or you actually want to create a relationship with that person, you’re going to need what we went over. And I’m going to share these insights. We had a few people there that are actually married. They’re in my Mastermind program and they wanted to come to the event and they said, “Is it going to be good for me because I’m already married?” And I said, “Yes, your wife will thank you.” Because we talked a lot about activating the most powerful, mature version of you as a man. I think that goes extremely well in relationships. So let’s dive into these five insights from the weekend.

The first one. Oh, by the way, if you’re enjoying this show, by all means, please go to iTunes or the podcast app on your phone or wherever you found this and give it a review. And share with other people if you’re enjoying this because that helps me reach people. My goal is to reach those people who are at home, alone and kind of at the end of their rope. They’re like, “Nothing, nothing will help.” Those are the people I want to find because I was one of those people. That’s part of my mission. So, that would really help me carry out my mission. So if you’re benefiting from what I do and you want to support me, I would super appreciate that. Thank you. Also, go to ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com if you want to ask me a question that I can answer in Ask A Shrink. So, let’s go to those insights.

The first one is: Self-worth is king. I knew that going into the weekend. I was going to be teaching a lot about self-worth. But again and again I just see how so much falls into place when you value yourself and everything is so hard when you don’t. So what we did is we explored in one of the exercises: Who is it that you think you need to be in order to be attractive? We all have messages and stories about: You’re not attractive as you are because of your appearance, your personality, your skin color or whatever. You’re not attractive, your voice tone, your accent, I could go on and on. Because of that, I’m not attractive– this is the story we tell ourselves. Because of that, I’m not attractive and I never will be and I’m kind of fucked. That’s the story. And not the good kind of fucked. I’m just screwed. No, no, not the good kind of screwed. I’m just destined to be alone forever. That’s the one. We think that that’s true, that’s just a fact but it’s not. And the determining factor is self-worth.

If you know your value, you become extremely more valuable and attractive to someone else. Of course, in the weekend, we talked about strategy and how to start conversations and how to flirt and all that stuff. But when our self worth is solid, we do those things way easier. They work way better. And we get much better responses. When our self-worth is extremely low and we’re trying to act confident or trying to appear a certain way, maybe we can pull it off but usually that lack of congruence, where we think one way but then try to act another, usually people can see right through that. Women are very perceptive and they can feel it. They can intuitively just sense. So the most valuable and most important thing that you can do, if you want to have more success in your dating life, is to build your self-worth.

Now that is a big topic. I have a whole program called The Confidence Code, which is all about that topic. A lot of my material is about that topic. So we’re obviously not going to get to the bottom of that in this episode. But one key way that we did in the event that I want to share with you is looking at where you’re demanding some sort of perfection of yourself. I mention some of those reasons why we think we’re not attractive. My appearance, I talked about this a lot at the event. I used to think that I wasn’t attractive because the area around my eyes, especially beneath my eyes, has darker pigmentation. I thought, “Oh, I have these gross bags under my eyes all the time. Society has determined that’s not attractive.” Even worse, it’s just not in my head. Everyone thinks this. So, I would not approach women. I would not put myself out there. I was demanding I looked differently. So you want to see where it is that you’re demanding: “I need to be this way. I need to be that way.” That is undercutting your self-worth like crazy. So if you did nothing else. If you just stop demanding that you look different, that you talk different, that you be different, you’re already one huge step closer to a higher sense of self-worth. You might say, “Wait a minute. I can’t just not stop doing that. I have to keep beating myself up for this because this is totally unattractive.” Really? Do you really have to? Or is it just a habit? Is it just something you’ve done for a long time? Is it just something you decided to do? Because there was probably a time in your life where you didn’t beat yourself up for something, right? I didn’t beat myself up for the way my eyes looked when I was eight, nine, or ten years old. It started when I was 12. So at some point I decided: This is bad and it should go away so I’m going to resist it forever. So, when did you decide that? And can you decide to let it go right now? Interesting, huh? See what that brings up for you.

If you want to go deeper with that, definitely check out The Confidence Code because there is a ton of stuff in there. The whole first half of that program is about core self-esteem. Rock-solid self-esteem. And then a lot of social skills stuff. So it could be really valuable for you. That’s one of the first insights I had from the weekend. I was like, “Wow, it all comes back to self-worth.” The higher your self-worth, the higher your success in dating and relationships. We’re going to take a quick break right now and we’re going to dive into my second, third, fourth, and fifth insight from the weekend. Core things that you can do now to rapidly improve your dating life. Stay tuned.

Welcome back. So, the second insight that I had from this weekend. This weekend, like all of my live events, we have a period where you’re actually going to go out and practice whatever we’re doing. So this one is all about dating and relationships. The guys had a chance to go out and practice interacting with people, particularly women that they were interested in. In my event in the spring, Supremely Confident Conversation Master, we have people go out and we have more women at that event. They go out into the world and they practice talking to people. Makes sense, right?

Then in The Ultimate Confidence Breakthrough, which is all about not being nice, being more powerful and assertive, completely eliminating your fear of what people might think and rejection. People go out and do wacky shit. That’s all I’ll say about that one. In this case, they go out into the world. And sure enough, some guys would approach women and have a variety of different responses. Some of them had some great successes. One guy actually set up a date and had a date with her that night. It was supposed to be a 30 or 40 minute thing and they hung out for four hours. It was awesome. He is awesome. Some guys went out and they wanted to do something. “I want to approach her. Oh no, I’m scared.” And despite of all of our talk around, “Do what scares you until fear has no power to stop you; and how to work with fear and overcome fear.”, they want to do it but still some of them got stuck. That’s inevitable. That’s part of the process. You might have had that experience too.

The key insight that I had was: Anger and frustration at yourself will never help you overcome your fear. So guys would come back into the room and they’d be sharing and they’d be like, “I’m so pissed off at myself. God damn it. I’m all the way here in Portland. I traveled here and I couldn’t even do it!” They’re so pissed off at themselves as if that was going to help them be able to do it the next time. It’s this unexamined, unconscious pattern that we run automatically. In some ways it almost feels like the pattern is running us. But, no, you are running the pattern. You are doing it. You’ve just forgotten that you have control over the wheel. So, this pattern starts and we just start beating ourselves up. The reason that’s never going to work is: When you beat yourself up, you’re actually lowering your self-worth. And the reason you were too scared to approach her was because your self-worth was too low. Your perception of your self-worth, I should say. Your self-worth is already inherent. You are inherently a valuable, good, worthwhile, lovable human being just for being you. But we perceive ourselves as not that. So, I’m scared to talk to her. Why? Because I’m not good enough for her. I’m going to bother her. She’s going to reject me. And it’s because I’m a bad, not good, not lovable, not attractive person. That’s what’s behind our anxiety, right? So, we’re feeling that fear. We don’t do it. Then we beat ourselves up. We lower our worth even more. We actually make it even harder for us to do it the next time. So as soon as I saw that happening, I called it out. We talked about that for a good 40 minutes or maybe longer. I went on a jag about self-compassion and I worked the seminar on that. We have to interrupt this pattern because it will kill your confidence. Not just in your dating life, but in all areas of life. Anger and frustration at yourself will never help you overcome your fear, or get what you want. Great.

The third insight that I had at the weekend was this idea of serving versus pleasing. That’s some terminology that I got from one of my teachers named Rich Litvin. I really love that concept: Serving versus pleasing. That’s such a powerful concept that I’m actually going to do a whole episode all about that. Serving versus pleasing in your life and at work and socially with everyone.

But I want to focus just for a second on serving versus pleasing when it comes to a woman. When you’re pleasing a woman, everything is going to go badly, basically. So here’s what pleasing is: Pleasing is: I’m going to tune in to you. So far so good. Pay attention to the other person. But my whole focus is going to be on, what is their emotional state right now? I better make sure they don’t feel or show any signs of discomfort, frustration, upset, guilt, sadness, irritation, anger; basically nothing “negative.” So I’m going to pay super close attention to them and I’m going to make sure that they’re only feeling neutral or positive emotions. And for some of you, neutral is not even good enough. You have to please them so much that they’re only feeling great around you. Then, in order to make that happen, I’m going to say what I need to say, and I’m going to not-say what I should avoid. So we end up being this weird, partial version of ourselves. “Oh, that might offend her. I don’t know if she’s going to like that, so I won’t say that. Oh, she seems like she might be a little unsure about talking to me. I bet she doesn’t like talking to me. I better get out of here.” We eject. We leave. We flee. And we don’t stay in the conversation. We don’t go deeper. We don’t flirt. We don’t take any risks. Because we’re trying to please her. Here’s the thing: Women don’t want a boy who is pleasing them, pleasing their mom. She wants a man. She wants a strong masculine presence. That’s where serving comes in.

Now, serving, what that means is: What does this person actually need right here? What would actually light this person up? Looking at her directly in the eye, giving her your attention and your presence and paying close attention to what she says and then responding to that, and giving her that respect and attention. That’s serving her. That’s what she deeply needs, a human. We all do, right? And part of serving is also tuning in to what you want. That’s a whole other thing that I’m going to get into in that episode that’s all about serving versus pleasing, but you got to factor “you” in there too. Does this feel good to me? Is this something I can give right now? Is this right for me? When you show up from that place, and you serve her instead of please her, everything shifts. So stay tuned for that future episode with more information about that. We’re going to take a quick break right now and then we’re going to get back into my last two insights from the Unlimited Dating Confidence weekend. These are super important, especially the last one. Save the best for last.

So, let’s look at the fourth insight from the Unlimited Dating Confidence weekend. Action first, refinement second. Let me share what I mean about that. Here is the most important take-away. You have to get into action. You have to put yourself out there again and again. You might have heard this and you might intellectually know it but until you’re living it, until you’re doing it, you don’t actually know it. Because it’s just some intellectual concept that you’re not actually connected to because it’s not influencing your life. It’s not guiding your behavior. That’s a sign that we actually really get something and really know it. This is inherently a numbers game. Let’s say I said, “Okay, you want a girlfriend, go out today into the world, find one woman, and approach her.” What are the odds that that’s going to be your girlfriend? Then you guys are going to hit it off great and settle down together, and eventually she’ll become your wife. You’ll have a family and it will be awesome. What are the odds of that? I don’t know exactly but I’m betting pretty damn low. From one person. The likelihood is that she might be married, she might not want to talk to you, she might be in a relationship, she might be pissed off, you might not be her type. There are a million reasons why it might not work out, right? Maybe she’s not your type. Maybe you guys have nothing in common. I don’t know. When you pick one person, the odds are very low that it’s going to work out. Now, if I said, “Okay, go approach ten different women and see how it goes. See which ones you hit it off with. See which ones you can set up a date with.” Of those ten, maybe only five or six will talk to you. Maybe four or five of them are not even open to talking with you. Then of those five or six that you talk to, maybe four of them are available, but only two of them would want to give you their number, hang out, and set up a date. Or maybe you get three numbers out of those ten but only two of the women actually follow up. Maybe the one gives you her number but she never responds. Maybe it wasn’t even her real number. I don’t know. So, these numbers are made up and the better you get at this, the better your numbers might be. But at the end of the day, no one is getting ten out of ten women to go on a date with them and sleep with them or be their girlfriend or something like that. That’s unrealistic. We have to get out there. We have to get tons of practice. We have to take tons of action. That’s the first part and the second part is refinement. Action first, refinement second.

So, sometimes we want to get all the details figured out. We want to know exactly how to do it right. “How do I flirt in this way? How do I say it in that way to make sure that I’m cool and I play it off right?” The problem with that is, if you’re not getting tons of practice, if you’re not out there swinging the bat, working on your technique about “How should I hold the bat? Should I do it a little differently?” It doesn’t matter. Get out there and start swinging. Then you’ll refine it. Refinement is very important. And I highly recommend my program, 30 Days to Dating Mastery, if you want to go much deeper into that. That would teach you a lot of the skills that you need that you might not even know. So, for example, if you keep approaching women and they just don’t seem interested in giving you their number. That just happens again and again, and you are practicing, and you are talking to them. Then there is something key that you’re missing. And you’re going to want to learn what that is. Thirty Days to Dating Mastery will teach you all the core stuff so you can compare. “Am I doing that? Am I doing that? Oh, I’m not doing that, oh shit, I better start doing that.” You can refine later but get in to action. And refinement is super important.

The fifth insight from the weekend– this is my favorite one. Are you ready? You are the selector. You want to come from a place of power with this. So, this came up because when I mentioned the numbers game thing and I gave all those numbers, about one out of ten, blah blah blah, one guy in the event raised his hand and said, “You know, it almost sounds like you’re telling us to think of it like a job application. You just put out a lot of applications out there and then some of them will follow up, and for some of them you’ll get an interview, and then, even if you get an interview, you’re not necessarily guaranteed the job.” I was like, “Yes, exactly. No wait,” I caught myself, “it is like that in terms of the numbers but instead of being the one who’s applying for a job, you are the owner of the company and you’re looking for the perfect fit, the perfect person, for the job that you have. You want to fill that job. You’re looking for someone. And so you’re going through a ton of applicants, and of course a lot of them are going to fall short before you get there but you’re looking for the right person for the job. You are the selector.”

Several people told me after that, that they have never thought of it that way in their entire lives. I didn’t either but it’s true. First you just want to own it as true, because– and this happened at the event too and this always happens, which is like, “Oh, but man, a hot woman, a hot girl, that’s going to be the thing.” I get it. We’re men and physical attraction is a big part of what draws us initially. I tell a couple of stories like this. Beauty? So what? Physical beauty? There are tons of beautiful women. There are tons of beautiful men. There are tons of beautiful people in the world. How long is that going to last? How long is that going to hook you and hold your attention? So, what often happens is guys think that all that matters is that she looks a certain way. And then who cares how she treats me. Who cares how conscious or aware she is? Who cares how funny she is? Who cares this or that as long as she’s hot? In the long run, that’s not going to give you what you want. So you want to see through that. And one way to do that, is when you see a woman that’s really beautiful, it’s like, “Yeah. Yes, she’s beautiful. I’m a little nervous. And, so what? There’s 50 other beautiful women walking around my city within a five-block radius right now, and I could talk to any of them. So let’s see what’s going on with her. Do I enjoy this? Is this a fun conversation? Is she interesting? Can I throw and she catches and throws back to me in the conversation? As opposed to just like I’m throwing against the wall and it’s bouncing off.” So you want to be the selector here. Don’t let the beauty totally absorb you. I think really all it does is take one experience for a guy to be with a woman who is sort of his dream woman, physically and appearance but then everything else is just shitty. It feels terrible. I’ve had that experience. And then it’s like, “Oh, I get it.” But maybe it’s like Les Brown says, “We all know somewhere deep down that money is not the answer to all of life’s problems, and having tons of money isn’t going to solve everything. But we don’t want to find that out for ourselves.” So maybe it’s the same way with the dating a certain appearance or certain type. Maybe you got to find that out for yourself. But in any case, you’re the selector. And the more you can own that, the more you can have that sense of power and choice, the less desperate you are, the higher standards you have. Women feel that, women are attracted to that. And you come from a place of power. And it feels much better and your results are much better.

So those are my five insights from the weekend. If you have benefited from these, by all means, share with people you think might benefit from this podcast. Go to Shrinkfortheshyguy.com if you want to ask me questions or go deeper in the show. Show notes and transcripts and whatnots. Past episodes. And before we end though, we got to go into your action step.

Action Step

Your action step is to take one of these insights and turn it into a practical action. So, if the self-worth stuff really resonated with you, take some practical action to increase your sense of self-worth. If the “you can’t be angry and hate yourself into overcoming your fear” really struck a chord with you, then work on that. If “serving versus pleasing,” and you notice you’re totally pleasing all the time, work on that. “Action first, refinement second.” If you notice you’re all hung up on doing it just right, but you’re not getting into action, then get your butt into action. Or the fifth one, “knowing you’re the selector,” just experiment. Walk through life for a week or the next five interactions you have with women and before you go do it, just say, “I’m the selector.” You might not believe it, it might not impact your behavior yet, although it might very quickly and very powerfully, you never know. “I am the selector.” So take one of those, turn it into a practice, turn it into action and rock it. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.

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