Fearless Social Confidence (Part 1) with Patrick King

Fearless Social Confidence

Patrick King is a MASTER AT CONVERSATIONS and wrote the book on Fearless Social Confidence.

Learn some extreme strategies and tools to activate social confidence.

He is awesome at helping people realize YOU CAN SHIFT THIS!

If you aren’t great talking to people, YOU CAN BECOME GREAT AT TALKING TO PEOPLE.  If you are nervous and get anxiety around people, YOU CAN BE EXTREMELY RELAXED AND COMFORTABLE in your own skin.

You can learn this and start applying these things today.
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Expert Interview

Patrick King is an internationally bestselling author and Social Interaction Specialist and Conversation Coach based in San Francisco, California.

He is a former corporate lawyer, ex-dating coach, above all else, late bloomer. He started as a self-proclaimed paralyzed social recluse and knows social life from both sides of the tracks – precisely the reason he’s such an effective speaker and coach.
He focuses on using his unique emotional intelligence and understanding of human interaction to break down emotional barriers, instill confidence, and equip people with the tools they need for success.
When he’s not helping clients conquer the world, he’s either fronting an 80′s cover band or training for his next 10k.

Taking Control Of Conversations

27477868 - businessman is handing over a telephone receiver
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Music Credit

All music is licensed or royalty free.

Intro:
DeepSound – Rain Clouds
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Ask The Shrink:
Boccherini Minuet
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Action Step:
Justin Crosby – Skrillit
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Outro:
Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
soundcloud.com/lokfield
(Creative Commons License)

Create Everything You Want And More For 2017

Create Your Future

Are You Ready to Have the Best Year of Your LIFE

You can make it the best year of your life, it is you that can make that happen.

CREATE EVERYTHING YOU WANT

You are the creator in your life…you create your circumstances, you create your relationships, you create your experiences.

YOU CREATE EVERYTHING
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Welcome to today’s episode of the show, and happy New Year. Welcome to 2017. 2017, quite possibly the best year of your life. I don’t know, maybe not. Maybe you’re like super hungover right now and you’re like, “That was the shittiest year of my life.” But let’s be open to it being the best year of your life. And this isn’t some fluffy inspirational… I’d talk where it’s just like, “Yeah! It’s the best year no matter what.” Well, no. You can make it the best year of your life, but it is you determining that, it is you deciding that, it is you committing to that and it is you doing what it takes to make that happen. And that’s what this episode is all about which is creating everything you want and more for 2017. And that language is chosen specifically. Create everything you want because you are the creator in your life. You are not the victim of circumstance.

You create your circumstance, you create your life, you create your relationships, you create the success that you want. You create wealth, you create romantic love, you create friendships. You create everything. And right now, if certain areas are not where you want them to be, then you haven’t created it yet. And that’s true for all of us, right? None of us are at a 100% mastery of every area of life all the time. And so, we need to invest more energy and learn how to create what we want in that area. But all of the areas are important. If you’re listening to this show and you are struggling or wanting more— to be more free, less social anxiety, less self-doubt, less self-criticism, more confidence, more freedom, more boldness, more authenticity. I know it’s going to show up in every area of life. Because confidence is the doorway to success in all areas, of course in your relationships: Your social relationships with family, with friends, with colleagues, with co-workers, with bosses, with employees, as well as in your dating life in your romantic relationships.

Your ability to meet and date people that excite you— to freely be yourself. If what you want is to find someone to create an extraordinary life with, which I think deep down many of us want— you might want a phase of sowing your wild oats and dating tons of people— but I think deep down a lot of people eventually want to have an extraordinary relationship. I know it’s not for everybody. But I think the reason that a lot of people say they don’t want that is because they don’t think it’s possible. They think that relationships don’t last, that the love fades, that it just goes south quickly and etc. And I don’t believe that. These are the core areas that matter in life. And so this episode is about creating everything you want and more for 2017, and that’s what we’re going to do.

read more…

Now Is The Time

The Time Is Now
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As we approach the New Year we are going take a look back at the last year, to reflect on where we have been with what we have learned, what successes we have had and to take the opportunity to take a look forward to look at what we want to create in our lives in 2017.

You may think, I don’t want to take a look back, it wasn’t a great year, but there are so many excuses that we tell ourselves, there are so many places that we have resigned ourselves or have settled on something.

WHERE HAVE YOU SETTLED?

Is it in your Relationships:

  • Friendships
  • Coworkers
  • Career Influence
  • Dating Life

There are so many places that we settle telling ourselves that is how it is for me, nothing can change for me, nope, not me…

I’m…

MESSED UP
WIERD
NOT SMART ENOUGH
NOT ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH

For what I want…

YOU ARE SELLING YOURSELF A STORY THAT YOU AREN’T ENOUGH

BUT, the good news is DISSATISFACTION IS WHAT MOVES US!!

 

Hey, welcome to another episode of the show. Today is the final episode of 2016. Oh yes, brings us to the end of the year. I don’t know how you feel about the end of the year, and about New Year’s and maybe you’re in holiday virtual coma from all the food and drink that you’ve had. Like, “Oh God thinking about New Year is exhausting.” I don’t know where you’re at. I personally love the new year. I love looking back at the last year, 2016 here, and seeing what I learned, what the challenges were, what the successes and wins were, how amazing the year was, and I’m looking forward to 2017 and seeing what I want to create. And we’re going to do some fun stuff with that in this episode and the next one.

To start though if you’ve been listening to this show, or this is your second episode, or maybe your 30th episode, if you’re enjoying it, if you’re benefiting from it, I want you to do me a favor. Go to iTunes or your podcast app or wherever you downloaded this from, and give the show a rating. Ideally a five-star rating. Assuming you think it deserves that. Which it does because it’s awesome. But giving it a great review, that supports me, that helps me in a ton of ways, because then I can reach more people which is my mission. I want to reach those people that are thinking that they’re stuck, that there’s something wrong with them, that they’re broken, and I want to reach them, and help them see, and like you, many people find me for the first time through the podcast. Also interestingly enough, once you have more reviews, then guests who you want to interview, other amazing people who can help us and learn, I can share their insights with you, they start to take you more seriously and are more willing to say yes to interviews, if they see that you have ton of reviews. So it will help me reach more people and it will help me get more amazing guests on this show. So it is a win win win and you feel good, because you help me out. So do that if you can, preferably now-ish.

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The Secret To Stop Needing Everyone’s Approval

Needing Approval
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Hello, welcome to another episode of the show. Today is going to be all about letting go of needing everyone’s approval. A power secret I want to share with you. It’s going to really help you stop feeling that craving, needing, I need this person to like me and then all of that fear that comes on top of that. So you might not even be aware right now of the needing everyone’s approval, you might just feel anxious around people or nervous around certain people, certain kinds of people. It maybe someone you find attractive or groups of people or powerful people or whatever it is. In those situations, you might feel anxious, self-conscious, observing yourself, judging yourself and you might not be aware of this or although you might be if you listen to a lot of the show, what’s underneath that is actually you needing everyone’s approval there.

So, we’re going to talk about that and then how to be free of that, a secret to stop being that. So, I’m excited. This is powerful stuff, fresh out of a Mastermind call we just had in my Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind. I love those calls. We dive in deep and really dig into the stuff. And this is one of the most powerful transforming calls that many people that week and then during the next call said, “Something shifted in me in a really significant way from being on that call.” So I thought, let’s take the best nuggets and share them with you for free. Oh yes and thanks for listening. If you are enjoying the show, please do me a favor and go to shrink for the … well, wherever you found this, on iTunes, something on your podcast search, you can even go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and there’s a link there to go to iTunes but somewhere where you can leave the show a review, preferably a 5-star review but whatever you think it deserves but this will help me reach more people which is my goal.

And I, in the past, didn’t ask very much because it was of my own edge. It was uncomfortable but there’s a new chapter or there’s a chapter in my new book, I should say, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence which is called “asking” and it’s all about the power of asking. The more we ask for what we want, the more we get. And working, helping people work through all their discomfort and fear about asking. So it will be ironic if I was teaching that but then not doing it myself. So that’s my “ask,” if you’d like to give it a review. It can help me reach more people which is my goal. And let’s talk about how you can feel more comfortable, more relaxed, more powerful, more free around anyone. Are you ready? All right let’s do this.

So, when you’re feeling nervous around someone, usually you’re wanting something specific. You’re wanting them to like you, to laugh at your jokes, to smile, to be … think about that, there’s somebody you want whether it’s a beautiful woman you want to talk to you or a studly man or your boss at work or a new potential client or customer if you have your own business. And if you imagine that interaction going well, exactly how you’d want it to go, it’s probably going to involve them smiling or them laughing or them saying yes or something along those lines. And it doesn’t involve them shaking their head in confusion, having a grimace on their face and their mouth is all puckered up like they just smelled something terrible, right? That’s not the reaction that you want. So, at the core of it, we want approval, an approving energy toward this. Yes, I like you. You’re doing great. I want to help you. I want to buy from you. We want all the approving and we don’t want any of the disapproving.

To any situation where you’re nervous, just check right through your mind right now. Whose approval are you needing? If you’re nervous in a meeting at work, are you needing everyone’s approval or is it just one particular person, or a couple of people? And there’s some people there who you are like, “Man, I don’t care about them,” but some people, you’re like, “Oh, they better think I’m really smart or else…” and so smart. Their approval is kind of a vague or general term but there’s specific kinds of approving energy we want. We want people to think that we’re smart, that we’re funny, that we’re interesting, that we’re valuable, that we have something good to offer, that we’re worth whatever, love or attention or money or buying from us, hiring us. So, there’s specific instances in your life. I’m categorizing them all as approval right now. So here is the first problem, is trying to get that approval.

Here’s the thing, we all want it, of course right? That’s a human need. We’re social creatures. We want positive, harmonious interactions with each other. It feels good. It feels better when someone is smiling and laughing with you than when someone’s frowning and saying they don’t like you. That’s duh, so of course, we want the first one. But the problem is when we are trying to get it and on some level, we unconsciously feel like we need it or else, we’re not okay. And what this is like is, you have a cup inside of you and your cup is empty. And you’re going from interaction to interaction, conversation to conversation, potential dating partner to potential dating partner and you’re saying “Hey, can you put some water in my cup? Huh, you got a little water for me, please.”

And it’s hard, we don’t … there’s something about that. I mean as big as your heart is, as compassionate of a human as you are, when there’s that person who’s like asking something of you when you’re just walking to the store or walking down the street, isn’t there a part of you that like kind of doesn’t want to or just like, “I don’t want to deal with that or I don’t want to make eye contact with them or…” and sometimes maybe you give. And maybe you give generously but there’s something about that dynamic where it just doesn’t feel … you’re not like, “Hell yes. I’m excited to do it. And I feel great doing it,” usually, right? So there’s something about when we’re asking in that way and that kind of, “I need this.” There’s a little bit of a desperation or neediness to it and that is generally an unattractive energy. It’s an energy that we generally don’t respond well to. Maybe guilt or well, we do it to be nice but those are not great ways that we want people to respond to us. So, that is the first problem, this feeling like we’re needing it.

And this is especially important, I mean, in all areas of life but especially in dating and relationships. And so, we need to learn how to turn this around because if you approach women with that energy, which I did for many years, you just don’t get very good responses. They don’t really want to talk with you or they do but they’re just kind of friendly for a few minutes, but then don’t actually want to date you or they maybe … maybe they’ll go on one date but then don’t want more. I experienced all of those things and it was because I had this desperate kind of needy energy which tended to be very unattractive because I was needing her to approve of me. So if you relate to this, you’re probably human, we all do. And let’s talk about how to shift this, let’s talk about how to let go. So in the next segment, I’m going to share the secret to stop needing everyone’s approval. This is powerful. You’re going to want to listen to this.

So, what is the way out of this needing everyone’s approval? Well remember, I mentioned on the first part of the show about having a cup that’s empty and you’re going around trying to get people to fill it. So what you’re doing is you’re trying to get something from everyone that you meet, even if it’s subtle, even if you’re hiding it, you’re energetically trying to get something from them. And let me ask you this, when you’re going to talk to someone, are you going to be … let’s say it’s a total stranger, someone you’ve never met before. The only thing that you know right as they’re walking over towards you and so you could know this for certain, that you know that they’re going to try to get something from you or they’re going to try to give something to you, which one would you be more interested in? Well you’re probably like, “Well, it depends on what they’re trying to give me,” right? This is why I love this show being explicit because I can say this.

But have you seen that … it’s an older bit from Chris Rock where he talks about how behind everything that a man does when he’s interacting with a woman is he wants to have sex with her. And so he’s like buying her a drink and Chris Rock as like he’s saying, “Do you want a drink?” but what he’s really meaning is “Hey, do you want some dick?” So, if you’re listening, you’re probably like, “Well, it depends on what they want to give me,” but just in a general way, do you want to have someone trying to get something from you or someone who wants to give to you, to add to your life? And across the board, we as humans respond better to someone giving something to us than someone trying to get something. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask for what you want or any of those lines but in general, we want to come from an attitude of what can I give here rather than what can I get. So, when I hear of a client or a man who’s just emailing me or someone who’s like, “I want to get laid or I want to get a woman.”

And it’s like, “Okay, that might be part of your problem.” Not that you want sex or that you have sexual desire or not, there’s something wrong with that, I mean that way of you trying to have that in your life is going to be less effective. Some might say sub-optimal, not bad but sub-optimal. So the way out is to fill your cup and become the source of approval. You fill that cup and then your cup is full and so when you meet someone, it’s kind of spilling over. Hey I got something for you. Well, what is it that you have for them? You don’t have to give them money or time or you help them move or something. No, what you give them is approval, is attention and approval.

Now, approval doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say or approve of everything about them. It’s just in your energy, it’s in your eye contact, it’s in your attitude and it’s like, “Hey, you’re a valuable person. I’m going to engage with you. And I’m going to look at you. I’m going to talk with you, I’m going to give you my attention.” And when you’re looking for approval or how to give approval, you start to notice things differently. What do I like about this person? What’s funny about this person? How can I make this person laugh? How can I bring some joy or excitement or something fun to there, what’s a fun story I can share with them. Well, that’s an interesting question. I’m curious about that and I want to ask them. And you start to think in a totally different way. And you might be wondering, “Well, how do I fill my cup?” I mean that’s a vague … philosophically, it sounds good but how do I do that? Well, your cup is just love, man, right? And approval is just like a little form of love. So when your cup is empty, you’re trying to get that approval, you’re saying, “Hey, will you like me?” You’re devoid of liking, of love. So you need more love, that’s how you’re going to fill your cup. And how do you do that?

Well, first and foremost is transforming the way you relate to yourself, with self-love. And that is the biggest thing because that controls how you treat yourself, how you feel about yourself, how you interpret events in your life and whether you let them make you feel good or not and also how much you let in from others, because a lot of us have a little … like a little narrow straw, that’s the amount that we can let in of love from other people. It’s like a little tiny a bit, bit and we want to expand that. And one of the most powerful ways that I know how to do that would be through my program, The Confidence Code, which the whole first half of that program is about mastering your self-esteem, which then opens the doors for the second half of the program which is mastering conversation skills. But you can’t talk to people well if you don’t like yourself, if you don’t have that cup full. So, that’s a powerful way to start. You can go to yourconfidencecode.com and enter your email there to learn all about the program as well as I send you a free eBook as well.

So self-love, it’s how you fill the cup, other things that you do to just feel full of love. Maybe it’s time with your friends. I know for me, spending a couple hours or even longer with a good buddy that makes me laugh, man, I feel so charged up afterwards. I feel so full. My heart is full. My cup is full. Maybe even just interacting with people in the world around you instead of hiding from them and then closed off and don’t talk to me, just that casual interaction. Starting a conversation, asking them a question and you can actually fill the sense of fullness in you. But there’s something else that’s even more powerful and I want to take one more break here. I’m going to share it with you. So these are some general ways. We’re going to get to one very specific way that I think is going to turn everything around for you, around letting go of needing anyone’s approval.

So, here is a super powerful mindset or approach that’s really going to help you to stop needing everyone’s approval. Are you ready? And this is one of the specific things that came out of the Mastermind call I was mentioning earlier. Here is a powerful insight. Everyone needs love, everyone and you might … the way you’re holding it, you might see someone like beautiful woman or that successful business person or the person I want to be in the company or that really popular guy that everyone seems to like and wants to be his friend. You look at them as somehow different. Well, they don’t need love. They don’t need anything because they got it all going on. They got the money or they’re beautiful. They got attention or they’re popular but guess what, everyone needs love even that beautiful woman, even that powerful successful person, even that popular guy who’s got the friends and dresses cool and seems to have it all together. Because here’s the thing, deep down, who really loves themself 100% fully, unconditionally all the time? I mean that’s one of my goals in this life and I’m a perpetual student of that. That is not easy, that’s not just you flick a button and oh, I’m done forever. No, it’s a continual practice, right? And we keep learning deeper and deeper in more and more powerful ways to let go of conditional love, of judging ourselves, of being hard on ourselves, for our body or for a parent or for an outcome or anything. And we need to continue that practice but at the end of the day, everyone needs that love.

In fact, I used to do a lot of therapy back before I started coaching and I worked with all kinds of clients. And I worked in college settings and even high schools and then on to working with adults too and I ended up working with a number of very beautiful women. And guess what, tons of insecurity. In fact sometimes, some of these women were just so gorgeous but there was so much pain inside, so much comparing herself to other people and why this person is better than her or more attractive than her and so much … she would focus in on the negative parts of her body and hate them. And it’s remarkable because you’re like this is not what I would expect. This is someone who seems like they have it all together. So everyone needs love, everyone and when you know that and like you have something to give them, you don’t need to walk around being like, “I love everybody.” I mean maybe, maybe you’ll feel that way. I don’t know, but just more of like a little tone down, right? You can give approval to anyone, you can give them your attention. And you’ll know in the moment how it’s going to show up. You don’t have to pre-plan this, it’s an energy. It’s an attitude. It’s a place that you come from. What can I give here? How can I give love here? What do I love about this person? What do I like about this person? How can I compliment this person? How can I make this person laugh? And when you come from that, knowing deep down that everyone needs love, everyone’s vulnerable in that way, then unlock it’ll something powerful.

In fact, I touched on this in my book, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence which is awesome. You should pick up a copy. It’s available on Amazon and iTunes and Audible and get a Kindle paperback or audio version. And in there, I have a Hafiz poem which I’m going to read to you. One second, I’m going to grab the book right now. So, this Hafiz poem, if you don’t Hafiz, he’s a … I don’t know, 12th century or something Sufi poet and this poem is awesome that’s why I put in the book. So sit back, relax and listen to this.

With that moon language, admit something. Every one you see, you say to them love me. Of course you do not do this out loud otherwise, someone will call the cops. Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying with that sweet moon language what every other eye in this world is dying to hear. We all need love. We all want it. So, the most powerful way to stop needing everyone’s approval is to see that you were the source of approval. You’re not a beggar. You are the source. You have an unlimited source and the more you practice filling that cup, the more you can give it and the more you can give it, the more people are to drawn to you. The more magnetically charged you become. So that if you initiate, the person wants to talk with you back or the more you do this, you might even find people approaching you. People feel that energy and they’re drawn to you and it’s powerful.

Awesome and that, before we end though, we got to do one thing which is how you can turn it into action, that brings us to your action step.

Action Step

Your action step for today is to practice being the source of approval. So when you go out to work, to social situation, whatever you have going on today or the next day, say, “What if I were the source of approval,” and then practice being that. Interacting with someone and noticing how can I give them approval right now? Maybe in a very subtle way, maybe in a very casual way, maybe just with my attention and my eye contact, whatever it is, so holding it that way, you were the source. And noticing how that affects how you show up, what you say, what you do. If anxiety evaporates and confidence emerges, whatever your experiences with that, the key is to keep practicing it, becoming that source of approval. And then finding ways to fill up your own cup with self-love, time with friends, talking with people in the world around you whatever it is that fills you up. A hobby, something that you love, a walk in the woods, art, music whatever fills your cup up so that you can give that love and be amazed at the response you get. Because when you give in that way, life gives you everything you want back in return and more.

Thanks for being with me today. Thanks for listening and I commend you for your commitment to transform into growing your confidence to higher and higher levels. You are a brother or a sister on the path and I love and appreciate you. Thanks so much for being with me today and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome. Talk to you soon.

Music Credit

All music is licensed or royalty free.

Intro:
DeepSound – Rain Clouds
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Ask The Shrink:
Boccherini Minuet
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Action Step:
Justin Crosby – Skrillit
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Outro:
Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
soundcloud.com/lokfield
(Creative Commons License)

How To Attract Women, Naturally with Tripp Kramer (Part 2)

attractive man

Today we are diving into how be the kind of guy that women see as a MAN, as a SEXUAL PARTNER and someone THEY WANT TO BE WITH.

It’s not about all the eternal things that you may be stuck on such as; if only I had more money or if I was better looking.

We are digging deeper into how to become that attractive man by being you.

You can get this…you can get this by being you!

The key element that it takes is boldness and practice, it’s a skill that you can learn!
Click below to hear this episode!

Expert Interview

Tripp is one of the top dating coaches in the world and teaches men how to make themselves more attractive and date more beautiful women by reaching their potential through a combination of learning new skills and remaining their authentic selves.
He is the creator of Tripp Advice, a popular channel on YouTube that specializes in dating advice for men and “How To Talk To Girls”, a top dating advice podcast on iTunes and Stitcher

How To Attract Women, Naturally with Tripp Kramer (Part 1)

woman laughing wen men

Are you tired of trying things that don’t work? Do you feel stuck not knowing how to feel confident in your dating life?

Are you paralyzed by fear or self doubt?  Are you stuck in the friend zone?

Today we are talking with Tripp Kramer about how to be your most authentic self in dating and approaching women.

His approach is a down to earth, practical and basic system about what works.

Click below to hear this episode!

Expert Interview

Tripp is one of the top dating coaches in the world and teaches men how to make themselves more attractive and date more beautiful women by reaching their potential through a combination of learning new skills and remaining their authentic selves.
He is the creator of Tripp Advice, a popular channel on YouTube that specializes in dating advice for men and “How To Talk To Girls”, a top dating advice podcast on iTunes and Stitcher

Music Credit

All music is licensed or royalty free.

Intro:
DeepSound – Rain Clouds
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Ask The Shrink:
Boccherini Minuet
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Action Step:
Justin Crosby – Skrillit
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Outro:
Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
soundcloud.com/lokfield
(Creative Commons License)

The Power of Gratitude

practice gratitudeThanksgiving brings up all kinds of feelings of thankfulness and gratitude but what if I told you that gratitude is not just a feeling but something you should do.

What if I told you that in order to have true gratitude you would need to be disciplined in putting things in place to have those feelings?

Today we are discussing how to DO GRATITUDE and how to put things in place in your daily life to live a life that is full of gratitude.

Gratitude doesn’t come from all you gather or obtain ,it’s not what you wish for or want it is something you can create. You can learn how to do gratitude.
Click below to hear this episode!


Yo! Welcome to today’s episode of the show. Today is about gratitude. Now, if you’re living in the United States, tomorrow, as you know, is Thanksgiving and the tradition that we have here in the States about Thanksgiving is you get together and you eat a shit-ton of food. That’s kind of the tradition. The more the better. Get to the place where you can barely move and there’s absolutely no room left, and then someone’s like, “You want to eat some pie?” and then you try to eat more. That’s what most people do.

I have a good friend actually. They go have an early dinner with his wife’s family, and then they go to his parents house, and they have a later dinner. They eat again with his family and he is like in this marathon where he kind of paces himself so they can make it through both dinners. That’s an interesting way of celebrating, I suppose, our gratitude and our blessings around food abundance but that’s kind of the limit of the tradition. I guess maybe there’s some time with family that people experience but that’s the core, I think. The idea of thanksgiving, giving thanks, is extremely valuable and that’s what I want to talk about today. And you don’t have to be based in the United States, I mean we all can benefit from more gratitude in our lives.

So let’s talk about gratitude. And if you want to go deeper in the show, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com. You can ask me questions there. I’ll answer them in the bonus “ask the shrink” segments. You can give feedback and also you can get a copy of my book, “The Five Steps to Unleash Your Inner Confidence” which is going to help you learn the key five steps that I use myself and with all my clients to help them rapidly build their confidence. And you can get that sucker for free. So go to shrinktheshyguy.com.

Let’s talk about gratitude. The more grateful that you can feel, the better your life is. Now that might not be new to you. You might have heard that before. You might already know that intellectually. We all do, right? That when we’re in a state of feeling thankful, like “I feel blessed, I feel grateful,” then we feel appreciative of what we have. And when we feel appreciative of what we have, we don’t feel a sense of lack, inadequacy and scarcity, “I’m not enough,” and “I don’t have enough,” and “life is not fair,” and “it’s not giving me enough,” and “I’m lonely,” and “I’m feeling all the lack”. That is a lack of gratitude. It’s the opposite of feeling fulfilled, appreciative, and grateful.

So we all know that life is better when we feel grateful. And we all focus a lot on getting external things, thinking that we’re going to feel fulfilled and grateful when we have them. So we strive to get more… blank. More money. More love. Different or better relationships. More dates. More friends. More time out. More people liking us on Facebook or other social media. More! I got to get more and then I’ll feel fulfilled. Now this starts young. My son Zaim, we give him some raisins to put in his little oat cereal and he wants more. “I want more raisins!” It’s a human thing.

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The Secret To Social Freedom

Social Freedom
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Hey, everybody, welcome to today’s episode of the show. Today, we’re going to be talking about social freedom, something that’s near and dear to my heart. It’s something that I actually … when I first created the work that I’m doing in the world through the Center for Social Confidence. I had some tagline for the business that was like social freedom or something. And then a bunch of people are like, “What does that even mean? I don’t even know what that means like you should change and make it better.” So I think I stopped using that word a lot and stopped saying that a lot because I don’t know if people … maybe you’re not even walking around thinking, I need more social freedom, right. But I think when I share with you what social freedom is and what it means to me, you’re going to love it. And I think you do want more of it. You probably are already creating more of it in your life. And I’m so excited to share with you how to just blow the lid off of this and develop more of that social freedom. So I’m going to share what that is and how to have more of it and the secret to really growing and building that for now and for your entire life. So, I’m excited to share all this with you today.

If you like to go deeper into the show, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com. That’s shrinkfortheshyguy.com, you can also get a copy of my eBook there, 5 Steps to Unleash Your Inner confidence. That is my gift to you for free. And someone … a friend of mine, a colleague was just a … he’d never … he’s known about the work that I do and how I help people but he’s never actually gone to my site and got my eBook and stuff but he did. And we had lunch the other day and he said, “Dude, that’s like a real book you’re giving out.” I’m like, “yes.” And he’s like, “Oh, I thought it was like a three-page handout or something, a checklist.” And I was like, “No, it’s like the 5 steps to unleash your inner confidence, it’s legit if you do those five steps.” So anyway, you can get that whole eBook and I also follow it up with video trainings on each step. It’s extremely powerful and it’s all free and it’s designed to help you radically boost your confidence. So, go to the shrinkfortheshyguy.com to check out that and more. You can also ask me questions there as well. And I do the bonus episodes of ask the shrink or I’ll respond to those questions if they’re good and fit for the show.

So, let’s talk about you and social freedom. What is social freedom? When I say that phrase, social freedom, what do you think of, what do you imagine? Now, if you’re thinking of society and larger freedom. It’s freedom of speech, et cetera. Bring it down. Bring it down to the individual level. Bring it down to you, your level of social freedom because the reality is many people, many of you listening to this live in cultures that are relatively free in the sense that you can wear what you want. You can go places that you want. I mean there’s limits and depending on what country you’re in, there’s more or greater or fewer limits but still, we live in an era in the world where there’s a lot more basic choice and freedom than in different eras in time. And I know that’s not true for all places right now. But that’s like what’s sanctioned to you or given to you by society, but then there’s another kind of freedom, the amount of freedom that you take, social freedom. How free are you around others, around other people? Do you feel limited? Do you feel stuck? Do you feel afraid? Do you feel confined? Are there things that you want to do but can’t? Those are signs of a lack of social freedom because to me, here’s what social freedom is, social freedom is exactly what … so freedom is the ability to do more of what you want, choice, opportunity, it’s the same thing, social freedom.

To me, that’s being completely free and feeling completely free around other people, to say what I want, do what I want and be however I want and that could be around anyone. That’s my goal, social freedom around anyone and everyone. So, some people have some freedom around say, your family. You feel a lot of social freedom like you can wear what you want, do what you want, say what you want. Some people have the opposite, have no social freedom around their family and it’s very confined and they feel judged but … or maybe for you, it’s around a good friend, you feel … where do you already feel a lot of social freedom? May be there are certain situations, maybe you don’t feel in a lot of places but then you get on the basketball court and you’re playing a game of pick up or something and boom, you’re free, you’re laughing, you can say what you want. You talk some trash. You’re more free to be you. Or maybe it’s when you’re gaming, you got the headset on. You’re like, “Yes, I’m a badass, I’ll say what I want,” right? And it’s not just about saying what you want, that’s part of it but it’s also about dressing how you want, communicating in other ways that you want, laughing as loud as you want, asking the questions that you want, moving in the way that you want, standing in the way that you want and going over and talking to people that you want. That’s all. Just imagine total freedom. I can do whatever I want. That’s social freedom.

Now, a lot of people experience that and you might experience that in some areas but not others. Or maybe if you’re really stuck, you don’t experience it all. There’s no place where you feel totally free but usually there’s some place. Maybe just at home alone with your cat. So, how do we or where are the edges actually in the question I have for you? Where are the places? And the most common are … well, you might not feel totally free around people that you’re attracted to. If you are a man, maybe around women that you find beautiful or compelling in some way or if you’re a woman listening around men that you find handsome or charming. Maybe you feel like, “I’m a little confined. I’m not myself.” I’m not freely myself.” Or maybe it’s a situation at work especially if you’re dealing with people that you feel like … well, it could be around anyone but it could be around people you think are more powerful. This can come up at all situations.

I was talking to talking to one of the guys in our Mastermind the other day and he runs his own business. He’s got maybe … I don’t know maybe eight or nine people in his company. And it’s funny because he can feel very free in some situations but around certain employees or if he’s going to need to say, “No, you can’t take that time off,” or basically hold some standard or limit. No, very little social freedom. It’s very hard for him to say and do what he wants there. So, it can come up at all different areas. And honestly, I think social freedom is a goal or a practice. I don’t know. Maybe some of that … geez, total or hundred percent social freedom around everyone all the time forever. I haven’t gotten there. There are places where I feel constricted. I know for me, as I reach out to people that are more and more influential and have bigger lists of followers and I want to engage with them, interview them, see if they want to promote me in some way or collaborate with me, I find that if they’re very … if I perceive them as very powerful or influential or like they don’t have much time, then I notice that some of my social freedom level goes down. It’s a little harder for me to say what I want, do what I want, be how I want. That’s my edge right now. And there’s others too but it’s just an example. So, this is a lifelong practice but this episode, hopefully right now, your brain is popping with like, “Whoa, where am I? Now, where am I already socially free? Where am I not socially free? And how do I get more of that? Because if you’re like me, you want more of it because it feels good, doesn’t it? So let’s dive in to how you can get more of it. We’re going to take a quick break and when we come back, I have a list of things I’m excited to share with you. They’re almost like permission statements. They’re me giving you and hopefully you giving yourself permission to be how you want to be, to be free. So, you’ll definitely want to listen that.

So, let’s get into the secret to social freedom. I’m going to read a number of things here so there’s a lot of little tips and techniques but the overarching secret is you don’t have to. You don’t have to. You have choice. I mean that’s a secret to all freedom, really, because we think freedom is unfettered access and unlimited whatever I want. Not really, freedom is actually just to realize you have a choice in every situation. And the opposite of that, I have to do this, that’s not freedom, right? That’s like you’re trapped, you’re confined, you’re caged, I must, I have to. And it’s easy to fall into a victim of circumstance mindset, not just socially but in life. I have to do that. She made me do this. They are forcing me to do that. I don’t want to but I have to. And anytime we’re falling into that, we’re going to feel discouraged, anxious, resentful, disempowered so we always want to remind ourselves. And I talk about this a lot in my book, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence which has a whole … there’s a whole section in there about becoming the owner in your life instead of being the victim of circumstance. And there’s also a whole chapter on power which if you’re liking this stuff, I think you’ll love the stuff in there about social power and just really calling out this power in you to be who you want and say what you want.

Anyway, so part of social freedom is you don’t have to. And you can choose any … there’s so many things socially that we think we have to do and they’re conditioned in, we sort of were trained to do them. But the more you question those rules that you have in your head, the more you give yourself more and more permission to just do more of what you want, the more free you become and the better you feel. So here are some of these things right now.

This is a first one. You don’t have to answer all questions asked of you. You don’t have to answer all the questions asked of you. So if someone asks you a question, you can “not respond to it, you can respond to part of it, you can gloss over it and answer something else or you can change the subject entirely.” Isn’t that … it’s weird. This one took me a long time to learn so I was like, “Wait a minute, okay.” Someone says … so here’s a basic example. Someone says, “So, how was your weekend?” right, common question on a Monday. How was your weekend? Now, you might think you need to tell them how your weekend was, right? That’s what you do, but you don’t have to. You can just say whatever you want. You can say anything you want. How was your weekend? I saw an awesome movie two weeks ago. I want to tell you about it. You might want to throw in one word like, “Oh, it was great.” Hey, I saw this movie two weeks ago or hey, I’m doing this thing next week, I want to ask you about it, right? Like boom, just right over that question, because maybe you don’t want to talk about your weekend, maybe you weren’t that interested in what you did, right? But so instead of saying, “Well, they’re going to determine what I talk about because they asked me so now I have to talk about it,” right? This was interesting for me because I remember I had a lot of challenges in dating. Even once I overcame my fear to talk with women, I would talk with them but then have kind of boring conversations, conversations where they didn’t seem that engaged. I honestly didn’t feel that engaged but I was like, “Well, at least she’s talking to me,” right? But in there, and she asked me … every question she’d ask, I felt like I had to answer and just like stay right on the course. And what you’re doing there is you’re letting the other person determine what you talk about and where the conversation goes, which is okay if you’re enjoying it and it’s what you want to do but you don’t have to. It’s where social freedom comes in.

So, I learned that if someone … a woman would say, “So, what do you do for work,” especially if it was really early on like the first conversation, I realized I don’t have to answer that because then, we get into the scene of, “Oh, I worked down the street in the building over there on the 4th floor and I sell insurance and it’s … yes, type in the reports every morning,” and then she’s, “Oh, neat.” right? And then you’re aaahh … you’re just down to those boring conversation in the world even if your job is interesting to you. That’s okay but you don’t have to go there if you don’t want to. In fact in a lot of ways especially early conversations to keep things more interesting, you don’t have to do. You say something totally different. “So, where do you work?” “Oh, the where-do-I-work question. I will tell you but not right now because I have a more interesting question to ask you,” right? So, there’s a lot happening there but it’s different. You’re not answering. I’m also being playful and I’m a little bit teasing her by saying, “You’re asking me a boring question,” right? So, that’s just one example. There’s tons there but remember, you don’t have to answer all questions asked of you. This is super liberating to realize.

Here’s another big one for social freedom. You can say no. You can say no. You can say no to anything for any reason. What? No, that makes you a bad person, doesn’t it? Makes you a selfish, awful bad human, no, no, you can say no to anything. You don’t have to have a million reasons. In fact, you don’t have to give 5,000 reasons when you say no in excuses and explanations. You can just say, “No, it’s not going to work for me,” or “No, I’m sorry I’m not available then.” Boom, next question, right? So, you don’t have to go on and on. That comes from our own insecurity and anxiety about saying no. They’re not going to like me. They’re going to resent me. They’re going to hold it against me. I’m a bad person. But instead, you can just say, no. You have that right. That’s how you build your social freedom just by saying no. I had an unpleasant exchange recently where there was … someone that I know through … this is from a number of years ago, we did some personal growth work together. And we were never really close friends but we got kind of close for a little while as we’re doing that work together, and then we haven’t talked. Maybe we talked maybe once a year. I go out to lunch with him. And just a little while back, he invited me like “Hey, let’s get some lunch. I have some stuff I want to ask you.” And I got … we got a toddler and a baby and business and a lot of stuff happening over the summer. And I was like, “Dude, let’s look at our calendars in a couple of months like I’m … maybe three months? Two, three months, I’m pretty full right now.” And he got upset, he’s like, “Well two, three months, come on. What’s up with that? You’re pushing me away.” And I’m just like, “I’m sorry, that’s my availability right now.” So I just got to say … I get to do a double no there but you can say no. And then of course, some feelings came up like, “Oh man, maybe I should.” But I was like, “No, wait a minute. I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do. I’m sorry.” I mean life … there’s things already in your work, in your family that … they’re all by choice, that’s right but if you want to be a good dad for me or if you want to be … you want to keep your job, there’s things that you might kind of get yourself to do that you don’t immediately want to do, right? You’re already doing that a lot in your life so why would you want to add that into your social life?

For your social life, you want to do whatever you want to do, man. If you want to hang out with someone that you like, hang out with them. If you’re not having that good of a time, say no. Just because you were friends in high school doesn’t mean you have to fucking hang out with them now, 18 years later. Sorry, no, I’m busy. No, I’m not available. And then don’t even offer another time to reschedule if you don’t want to, does that make you a terrible person though. I’m sorry, terrible human. Maybe being socially free and feeling good and feeling powerful is more important than pleasing other people and avoiding anyone’s hurt or upset feelings, maybe, maybe.

Here’s another one. You can talk about what you want. You can talk about what you want. Bring that into the … and whenever you go to a conversation, remember that. Talk about what’s interesting to you so, back to that. So, how was your weekend example. You don’t have to give them a rundown of the whole weekend. Well, Saturday morning, we got up and about 9 a.m. and had waffles. And then we went to Target in the park and then went for [makes sound]. And does that seem engaging to you? Probably not, you’re just giving him a rundown. Talk about what you are most interested in. Was there one moment of the weekend that fascinated you? That was interesting to you, that engaged you. Well, talk about just that or in a conversation. I talk about this a lot in The Confidence Code about following the fascination, is you want to ask the questions that you’re actually interested in because if you just let them steer the conversation, you could be a nice person all day long and maybe listen for five hours and they think you’re real nice but you’re not having fun. You don’t want to do it again. You got to talk about what you want to talk about. You can change the subject whenever you want. Whenever you want, you can change the subject. You can interrupt. I mean there’s so much more. Let’s take a quick break and we’re going to keep going with this list, of all the freedoms you have, all the choices you can make and all of your interactions to radically increase your sense of social freedom.

Last one I said is you can change the subject whenever you want, you can interrupt whenever you want, I got a great practice doing that. We had some contractor helping us with some work on our house and he liked to spin yarns, tell long, drawn-out, boring, tangential, Grandpa Simpson style stories. During a meeting, we were trying to like, “Dude, I got 30 minutes away from work, let’s figure out what we’re doing with the wall here.” And he’s like, “Well, let me tell you about my daughter’s husband’s mother’s brother’s son. Back in 1984, he had a motorcycle.” And I’m like, “Oh my God, dude,” right? And the first few times, I would just be like playing, “Oh, okay, interesting, yes.” And maybe engage with him. And eventually I realized like, “Dude, we’re not going to get anything done here.” So, I started doing this. He’d tell me, “My brother’s husband’s sister owned a motorcycle.” And I say, “Wow, that sounds pretty cool. Hey, let me ask you this question. I was wondering about the wall here.” Like boom, I would just start doing it like … I thought wow, that’s pretty harsh or short but you know what, I just had to do it because otherwise, we would never get anything done and he talked to me for two hours and I don’t want that.

So it’s okay to interrupt. You got to interrupt. You got to start taking care of yourself. Notice that all this stuff for social freedom is about taking care of yourself. And not … you might think that’s being selfish or bad but actually, you trying to be totally selfless and just do what everyone else wants and okay, he wants to talk to me for two hours about this. I’ll do it. Okay, they want to talk to me about the weekend. I’ll just listen to whatever they want to talk about. I won’t change a subject because I’m not sure if they’ll like it. All of that, you might tell yourself it’s making you a good person but actually, it’s you being scared. It’s you pleasing other people. It’s you try not to ruffle any feathers and trying to get everyone to like you and that is the opposite of social freedom. You’re perpetually under threat. You’re perpetually in a cage, so let’s break through. What else can you do? What are your other choices? What are your other options? In any situation, you can leave. You can get up and leave. In a conversation you could say, “Hey, it’s been great talking to you. I got to go.” You’re having a fight with your husband or wife, boyfriend or partner and you say, “Listen, let’s just take a few minutes. I’ve got to get some fresh air. Let’s come back to this in just a minute.” You can leave.

In a relationship that’s not going well for you, you can leave. In a job where your boss is criticizing or ridiculing you in front of everyone, you can leave. And it’s been really fascinating to watch people like in my one-on-one coaching or group programs, who have left jobs while they’ve been in the program. And before they wouldn’t because they didn’t have the confidence but they got … as their confidence built, they’re like, “What the F … this person is talking to me like this all the time? Unacceptable.” So you can do that, you can leave. You can approach whoever you want for whatever reason you want and ask them anything you want or say anything you want. That’s a big one. You can approach whoever you want for whatever reason you want and ask them whatever you want or say whatever you want. Let’s just let that one sink in, imagine that. You can approach whoever you want. Who would you approach? Maybe it’s someone you find attractive, maybe it’s for dating, maybe it’s a networking event, I worked sometimes with people about creating their social life, their friend network. And there’s a sense of, “Well, people already have their friends full and people,” it’s same thing in dating. People stay in their comfort zone and try to find someone to date or someone to be their friend.

So they stay, they look around them at work all right? Who are my potential friends here? But when you give yourself total social freedom, you could be hanging out at a park and you’re just like … I don’t know, sitting there on a blanket, reading a book perhaps The Art of Extraordinary Confidence which I hear is a fantastic book. So, you’re reading that and then you look up and there’s a couple of guys … I don’t know, throwing a football around. And let’s say, you are like, “Oh man, I like to throw off a ball around.” Maybe you hear them laughing or something and you’re like, “Oh, I would love to like hang out. Maybe they’re fun people to hang out with. Maybe I’d be friends with them.” The freedom to approach whoever you want for whatever reason you want. “Hey, what’s up, guys?” “Hey” “Hey, can I join in? Boom, now you’re throwing the football around with them and then after you start chatting with them and you can say whatever you want. You can ask whatever you want. Like this is … you can open up your entire world by giving yourself these permissions. Here’s the core of it. You can be more of you. You can be more of you. In fact, the more you do, the better you feel and the more others are drawn to you. We have it all backwards. We think, if I do these things and say what I want and ask what I want, approach who I want and all that stuff, it’s going to be bad times. It’s going to be just a never-ending string of horrendous rejections, but it’s the exact opposite. The more you give yourself that permission, the more you show up powerfully and just do it, the more people are drawn to you and the better you feel, and it’s a win-win. So let’s talk about how you can apply all the stuff in your life right now with your action step.

Action Step

Your action step for today is to come up with the top permissions, maybe the top three that you would really want to have for yourself, the top three. Now, I listed a bunch here or maybe there’s even something I didn’t list but maybe here I said, you can interrupt or you can say no or you can approach whoever you want or you can ask someone for something. So, pick the three that sound most appealing to you that you get a resonance with like, “Oh, I want more of that.” And change it from you to I. I can say no. I can change the subject whenever I want. I can interrupt. I can leave. I can approach anyone for any reason. Now come up with the three that are most appealing to you and write them down somewhere, repeat them in your mind. Think about them. Hold them in your awareness and then live like live them out, do them. So if you’re in a situation you’re like, I can change the subject. Then in that moment, practice changing the subject. Practice proving to yourself that you do have those abilities, that you do have that choice even if you’re a little nervous. In fact, that’s the only way you’re going to transform this and build that social freedom, is by doing it even though you are nervous. You can’t just say this to yourself and then never do it and hope that everything changes. You have to say it to yourself. I can say no and then practice saying no. And if three is too many for you … if you like, “Whoa, that’s a lot,” just pick one. Just pick one of these permissions and build on it from there. And as you do that, as you stack more and more and more of these, your level of social freedom will just start to skyrocket more and more and expand and then your life gets better and better and better.

So thanks so much for being with me today. I really appreciate your willingness to show up, to learn and focus on this stuff and to create a life of more confidence and an extraordinary life and you’re awesome. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.

 

 

Music Credit

All music is licensed or royalty free.

Intro:
DeepSound – Rain Clouds
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Ask The Shrink:
Boccherini Minuet
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Action Step:
Justin Crosby – Skrillit
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Outro:
Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
soundcloud.com/lokfield
(Creative Commons License)

Don’t Get Rejected, Get Determined

8989826 - a person jumps over the word rejection, riding an arrow to success
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Hey, welcome to another episode of the show. I’m excited to be with you here today because I’m going to share some stuff that I think you’re going to find extremely useful for all areas of your life. Wherever you’re noticing fear or doubt or self-criticism or anxiety or anything that’s getting in the way, this episode is going to help you break through that and feel better as you do so. But then also, do more of what you want in life, go after what you want in life, not get stalled out or stuck when life doesn’t go your way. That’s why this episode is all about, don’t get rejected, get determined and I’ll share exactly what I mean about that in just a moment. If you’re enjoying the show, my ask for you would be to go to iTunes or wherever you found the show and give it a five-star review or a rating or write in something. The more of those that we have, the more the show grows and the more I can reach other people.

People who need confidence and look, we all, in my opinion, we all need confidence. I know I certainly do and perhaps you do as well, that’s why you’re listening to this. I don’t think there’s any shame in that. I don’t see there’s anything wrong with that. I think it’s a human struggle to continually work with doubt, insecurity, fear and how to blast through to higher and higher levels. That’s what I want for you and for everyone else so if you would do me that favor, that would be awesome. Also if you want to look at the show notes or anything else about the show, you can ask me questions there as well, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com, shrinkfortheshyguy.com. I’ll answer your questions; we’re doing this pretty quick now with the bonus episodes of ask the shrink so it’s a great way to get my insights on your particular situation and you can also get some free stuff there, free e-book that I have as well as other things.

So check it out and let’s talk about you getting rejected. So the name of this episode is “Don’t get rejected, get determined.” Here’s what I mean by that, because you might hear that and say, “Wait a minute, I get control whether over when you get rejected or not?” No, often times we don’t, that’s true but we have control over a lot more than we think. So first things first, let’s talk about rejection. Rejection is huge. Rejection is important. It’s actually desirable, what? No, no blasphemer, right? But the part of us hates it, the part of us never wants to experience it but it is extremely valuable. It’s extremely important; in fact if you are not getting rejected, scan back over the last month of your life, do that right now. Did you get any rejections? And a rejection in this case would be a no, no, thank you, I don’t want to or maybe not verbally saying a no but I’ll think about it, maybe or just not responding to you, not emailing you back, not texting you back.

You try to start a conversation with someone and they give you every signal, every non-verbal signal possible of, “Don’t talk to me” they didn’t physically say no but they kind of turned away or gave you like a ew look, probably know what I’m talking about there. So any sort of rejection, it could be in your work life, business, sales, dating, relationships, socially, conversations, think back over the last month, how many rejections did you experience? Now I don’t know if you’re going to be able to count them all but you might get a sense, are there a lot or a few or a little or none? Noticing that; that’s important. If it’s in the “none to extremely small” amount of rejections category, that’s actually a problem and you might say, “Wait a minute, no, I’m just doing it so awesome that everything’s coming my way. And that could be true, you could be like on a hot streak but usually if there’s a … if we’re devoid of rejections, if our rejection count is very low for a period of time, that means our bold action count is also very low.

And as I said you could be on a hot streak where you’re getting yes, you’re getting all the numbers you want, you’re getting all the sales you want, you’re getting whatever, whatever your projects are at work, everything is just like, “Yes, going my way” and that’s great, that can happen too, enjoy it. And often, there is a mixture we take action and we get a yes and then we get a no and then we get a no and then we get a yes and then we get three no’s, right? Or we have four yeses in a row and we’re the king of the world and then we have four no’s in a row and everything is terrible. We’re going to die in a gutter, right? It’s this up and down experience so we want to look at the rejections that we’re getting and if you’re getting rejections, that’s good. Now I know it can stir up a lot of feelings and it might not feel good and it might create even more doubt but stick with me because we’re going to help you work through that and turn that rejection into determination. But first, we got to look at you and rejection and if you’re anything like me, I mean I avoided rejection for years.

There … if you’d asked me that question, geez, I don’t know how many years ago now … 15, 16 years ago maybe and you said, Aziz, how many rejections you get in the last month? I’d say zero, “Well, how did you get your rejections because you’re such a stud?” No, because I didn’t talk to any women. I didn’t approach anyone. I didn’t start conversations with people I didn’t know. I didn’t speak up in groups. I didn’t ask for things, I didn’t do much of anything except for play a lot of video games. Maybe I got rejected by … in a Warcraft 3 competitive play. You’re playing against some other opponent and he typed in like, “You suck, newb,” maybe that was the rejection that I was getting but nothing in my real life so that’s important. I want you to think about that and let’s talk about rejection. Let’s talk about what happens with rejection? How to face it? How to not avoid it? And how to turn … how to make to make it something useful and valuable as opposed to something that’s bad and wrong and shouldn’t be happening.

What happens when you get a rejection? Why do we not like it? Why do we dislike it? Why don’t we avoid it so much? What happens inside of your body, inside of your mind, inside of your heart, inside, inside of you in every area all the way down to your plums? What happens when you get rejected? That is a extremely obscure reference to a show called “Eastbound & Down” by the way, Will Ferrell makes a guest appearance on the first season of that show. It’s phenomenal, check it out, Eastbound & Down, I think you can watch it on Amazon Prime and HBO Go and all that stuff. Anyway, getting rejected what happens for you? The reason I wanted to record this episode was earlier this morning, I got rejected hard. And you may not realize this but I actually get rejected quite regularly. I realized many, many years ago that “yes” lives in the land of “no.” That the more I can put myself out there and face what I’m afraid of on a weekly or daily basis, the more powerful and confident I become in any area of my life. And I first saw that in my dating life where I would learn how to deal with the rejection and face my fear and approach women that I was drawn to, I was attracted to and people start conversations and ask them out.

But then I realize that I wanted to apply it in business as well and what I do now which is wanting to … my project, my mission, that I’ve called Mass Liberation, which is I want to reach as many people who are out there who are feeling stuck, discouraged, who need confidence. I want to be a resource if it’s a fit for them, I want them to find something that I’ve done. A podcast, the video, something that’s going to help them, a book and that requires a lot of rejection to be able to reach out to them because the more I do, the more I’m going to get rejected. And so I get rejected by offering people if they want to come to an event or a weekend, people will say no, of course, for that and some people say yes. People want to work with me, be in one of my groups to coaching, people say no to that, and some people say, yes. So those are rejections that are happening on a weekly basis. And just this morning, I was rejected by a mentor and a teacher that I really admire and look up to. I’ve been studying his stuff for, geez, over a decade. I don’t want to reveal who he is just for privacy sake but someone I really admire and look up to.

And I am currently putting together an amazing group of thought leaders and speakers and teachers, mentors of mine, to do an interview series around confidence. And I’m creating a summit, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence where we’re going to be covering of the major areas of life, unshakable self-confidence, inner confidence, unstoppable entrepreneurial confidence, extraordinary relationship confidence, as well as creating life on your terms. So there’s just some core areas, I’m going to be interviewing so amazing people. And I got an introduction from another friend to talk to this person and kind of worm my way into his schedule and he gave me 15 minutes. Okay, 15 minutes to talk with me and so I get on the phone with him just this morning and his tone is very like, “Okay, so, what have you got going on?” So I start to tell him and he listens for a few minutes and he’s like, okay, well, basically, sell me on this idea like why I should I do this? I get a lot of requests for a lot of things. And so I do my best pitch and he’s kind of like, “Yes, well, kind of got to go, get to something else and it’s been like eight minutes,” I’m like, dude, it hasn’t been 15 minutes.

And so I throw him one other thing that I think is going to be extremely valuable, like basically why would I want to do this interview, right and so I share a couple of things, it doesn’t feel like it’s getting much traction so I share one other thing and I’m like, well, above beyond anything else, I think it’s going to be an extremely interesting and engaging interview for you and I kind of pitch my ability to interview people really well and get to the core of things and find that his confidence edge and by sharing that, by being real, we can help even more people. That’s the best I could do and he’s kind of like, “No, no,” he didn’t say no but he’s like, well, email me later, I’m not saying no now but email me later and we’ll see where I’m at. And I’d checked in, like okay, so from 0 to 10, 10 being like really warm and hot on the idea and 0 is like it’s cold, where are you? And he’s kind of like, “Well, I’m sort of lukewarm.” Right so, not a total rejection, it wasn’t like no, I’ll never but send me email, we’ll see, it’s not a resounding yes, right?

So, got off the phone, I was like ugh and I mention this in my book, The Solution to Social Anxiety and actually perform it in the audio version but it reminds me, stuff like that … it makes me smile because I always think of my cousin, when we were kids, we’d go down to LA and then my cousins had a pool down there and we’d be playing sports in the pool like Marco Polo and volleyball. And one summer, my younger cousin, Paul got this thing where he would … something would happen like he’d score on you in volleyball or you’d try to hit it over the net and he’d just smash it back, spike it on you or something and then he would say, rejected, rejected, rejected, rejected and he’d do it like eight times kind of in your face. And that was thing for … he probably did it like five times a day for the week that we were there. At least that’s my memory of it. So that’s what I … after the call, I was just like, rejected, rejected, rejected and I say that and it makes me smile and laugh and it kind of changes my state, because what is the natural default state post rejection? Right? I mean, think about that, we know it well but think about what happens for you? And the reason I want you to explore this is because there’s the external rejection which is him saying, “No, yes, I think about it” It won’t be a yes but it will be no, I’ll think about it or in your dating life, someone’s like, no, no, no thank you.”

Or you send a text and they don’t respond or no, we’re not going to hire you for the job. No, we’re not going to give you that project or maybe not even a big thing like that. Maybe just you share an idea at work and the team leader whatever is like, “No, we’re not going to do that.” So it’s not a huge deal but your idea was rejected. So what happens when you get rejected? What happens inside of your body? What happens inside of your mind? I study this quite a bit working with clients and in myself and first things first is like a feeling like right in my chest, my solar plexus which is like the bottom of your chest, top of your stomach area, in my heart too and it’s kind of like ah, like I want to double over, like you got hit there or something, it’s the opposite of standing tall and kind of strutting and being like, “Yes, I’m the man, right? It’s the opposite; you kind of want to shrink down, that’s a feeling in my body. And then my mind starts to go to like, “I should have done it better. I should have said this or I could have said that. Why didn’t I do that? Oh you should … you could have. It’s like if you’d just known the exact right thing to say, you could have closed the deal, right? And that came up in this interview, conversations, invitation but that could be into dating, that happened to me all the time. “Oh man, if I just … why didn’t I say this to her? Say that and it’s totally made up because you have no idea if that actually would have worked but you tell yourself that that certainly would have worked and you suck for not doing it.

And then I don’t think I did it here in this instance, no, but in the past, for me especially on dating, I would compare myself to some imaginary person. Say, “Well, he could have done it, she would have wanted to go out with him because he was better than me.” So we kind of compare ourselves to someone else and then we conclude, “I suck.” And another thing which I didn’t do this time either because I’ve been doing a lot of work around rejection to myself but a really common response that I used to have and I know a lot of clients of mine have is a feeling of like this is never going to work out. I’m never going to get there. I’m a failure, right? And this is heavy, discourage, hopeless feeling. Never going to get a girlfriend; I’m never going to get dates. I’m never going to get the job that I want. I’m never going to grow my own business. I’m never going to sell enough of blank. Right, whatever your area is and it’s not true and the most powerful way to prove that is not true and to transform all of this is to turn your rejection into determination, it’s exactly what I did this morning. That’s exactly what I always do and that’s what I highly recommend you do. I shouldn’t say I always do it. When I am optimally taking care of myself and optimally taking care of my confidence, I do it. When I’m not, I don’t do it and then I feel shitty so we got to do this if we want to keep our confidence high. Have optimal confidence and I’m going to share that with you right after this break.

So how do we turn rejection into determination? Well, first things first, this is exactly what I did. So, after the phone call, I sat down on my desk and I was like, and I just noticed all the stuff. First thing I do is I don’t run away from any feelings. I breathe, I slow down and I feel them, I face them because the only thing that makes the rejection painful is my own internal rejection. There’s nothing that … I mean, he was very polite, “Hey, thank you for the invitation. I’m not sure, I’m not sure if it aligns with what I want to do right now and we circle back, email later, we’ll see. He didn’t call me a loser. He didn’t attack my character. That rarely happens with rejection, he’s very polite so all the pain is this internal stuff that I’ve been … that we’ve been talking about in this episode. So the first thing I do is I noticed that I feel, “Okay, what am I doing it? What am I feeling in my body? What am I saying in my mind? I don’t run from it. I get very present and I face it, that already starts to build your power.

Then, second thing I do is I stand up and I counteract that physiology of shrinking down, right? So I stand up and I pulled my shoulders back and I’m upright and sometimes I do this … this is the thing I’ve been doing recently which I really love is I kind of bring my palm to my chest, kind of thump my chest and I say, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and that’s kind of an energizing thing that I do. Maybe I say it 10 times, breathe deep, just kind of activating energy and power in my body which is something, we go deep in my Live Weekend Intensives but how to do that? Because I think that’s one of the biggest secrets to fast confidence is confidence in our bodies, so I start to activate that. Then I remind myself I don’t need anything from one particular person. I really don’t. I don’t need him to be part of the summit. I don’t need someone as a client. I don’t need this woman to date me. I don’t need any specific thing from any one person. I’m okay and I really find the truth in that because our mind, so much of the pain of rejection is like, “I need that person, if it’s not them that I’m screwed. If she doesn’t want me, then no woman’s going to want me. If they don’t want to hire me then no place is going to hire me. And we go to this kind of dramatic all-or-nothing thinking where that’s the end-all be-all and it’s really not.

So I remind myself, look I don’t need anything and it’s totally okay. And I want people to be able to say no to me. I want a world where people say yes and people say no and I say yes and I say no all the time. So that’s the kind of world that I want to live in. These people are creators, they’re assertive. They say what they want; they say what they don’t want. So I remind myself of that value and then here’s what I do. I get fucking determined. I say you know what? This is not going to stop me; if anything this is going to give me more fuel, more drive, bring it on, let’s go, how many more rejections can I accumulate? So as soon as that call was done, I did these things that I’m describing and I sat down and there’s two other people that I want to have or interview for this summit who … one of them, both of them I have no idea where they’re at. They could very easily reject me. They might not be interested, it might not be a good fit, they might not want to do it but they’re people that I would love to have involved. I’d love to interview them, and learn from them and share their message with more people and there’s a good chance I could get rejected.

So guess what I did? I sent both of them powerful compelling emails; not like, “Hey what’s up, I want to do this thing. It’s like, this thing … this is what I’m doing; this is what I’m up to. I would love to have you on board and here’s why. Because this because that and if you have any questions, let me know. So they were powerful invitations. They weren’t timid so the most powerful and effective way to turn rejection into determination is to take massive rapid action as soon as you can to the rejection, soon as you can. Now sometimes this can be hard because we have all these feelings like, “Oh, my God, I’m a loser. I’m a failure.” So sometimes, you might need a little bit of time to work with those feelings instead of running from them. Instead of flicking on your phone and just scanning through the Facebook feed and watching all those … now what’s big on Facebook feeds is like quiet, silent videos because most people are watching on their phone and they’re not going to turn the audio on, so they have like these videos with a bunch of text and it’s just like hyper stimulation or flicking on the TV or the show or just browsing, checking your email, something to distract yourself you want to pause that.

Take 5 minutes, takes 12 minutes, set a timer and just feel what’s going on and I guide people through this in my new book, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence which is the, in my opinion, the best thing I’ve created to date. I love it and I hope you do too, you can check it out on Amazon and Audible or iTunes, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence but we have to face this stuff. So face it, feel it, see what the specific painful stories you’re telling yourself are, work through it and then take that massive action as soon as you can. And for me, it was maybe just about three or four minutes of doing these things and then taking that action because I’ve done a lot of work with this and I keep working with it. But some days, it might hit me a lot harder and I might need to take 30 minutes to work with it but whatever it is, it’s worth it because then you take massive action and you get into it more so for the dating example, the most powerful thing you can do if you’re out and you’re trying to talk to women and you start a conversation and she doesn’t want to talk to you, the most powerful thing to do is to shake it off and go start another conversation within three minutes, two minutes, one minute if you can.

And there’s someone that you’re texting and they don’t text you back and you’re feeling rejected, reach out to other women. Same thing with job interview stuff, like you get rejected at one place, man, find many other opportunities. Or I was just speaking with a business owner yesterday in a session and he had this one deal he was lining up and he was like, “Okay, I want this hospital to sign this agreement with me and work with me in this area and they may or may not do it.” And he’s had meetings with them and meetings with the CEO and he’s like pitched them and they’re sort of like, “Well, maybe, sometime, soonish, maybe not” and it was great. What’s your plan B? What are other places, what are other ways you can get this out and sell this into the world and help people? And here we are brainstorming tons of ideas and the more massive action he could take now then it’s like, “Look I don’t need this. I can look at all these other things I can do.” And that’s what the value of the rejection, that’s the gift of the rejection brings into your life, if you turn into that instead of making it about you and you’re a failure and just add more terrible things to a negative identity, it’s not anything about that. Just they’ve said no, right now and that’s okay. Now I’m determined though because I’m doing this. I’m doing this whether they’re on board or not and then boom, move forward take that massive bold action and speaking of that, that brings us to your action step for today.

Action Step

Your action step is to do exactly this. So one, maybe you’ve got to get rejected, maybe you’ve been avoiding rejected … rejection for months or years even, so in the next week, get rejected. Find a place that matters to you, whether it’s your dating life or your work life or speaking up and becoming more of a leader, your business, your sails or something. Take a risk that might get you … you might get some successes too but do it until you get a rejection and then practice this. Practice turning, facing the rejection, feeling it, looking at the stories you tell yourself, breaking through and then taking massive action, find the determination of I’m going to do this no matter what. I’m going to find an amazing person and create an extraordinary relationship no matter what, it might be with you, it might not be.

I’m going to grow this business no matter what, it might be with this customer, it might not be. I’m going to show up in the way that I want at work and rise to a higher level of leadership, no matter what, whether it’s now or later, whether it’s with this company or another one. It’s like I’m on the path, I am determined, I’m doing this regardless of what this person says. When you tap into that, you are fucking powerful and you are unstoppable. Awesome, thanks for being with me today. I believe in you, you are unstoppable. I want the best for you; keep expanding your confidence, keep growing. If you want to ask me questions, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and you can also go to socialconfidencecenter.com, socialconfidencecenter.com, that’s where you can get all kinds of dozens of free training videos, check out my YouTube channel and also learn about all live events and programs I have and all that good stuff. So thanks so much for being with me today, till we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on the deep level that you’re awesome; I’ll talk to you soon.

 

Music Credit

All music is licensed or royalty free.

Intro:
DeepSound – Rain Clouds
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Ask The Shrink:
Boccherini Minuet
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Action Step:
Justin Crosby – Skrillit
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Outro:
Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
soundcloud.com/lokfield
(Creative Commons License)

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WHO AM I?

Hello! I'm Dr. Aziz. I spent a decade of my life stuck in shyness and social anxiety. I felt nervous and awkward in my own skin. I felt tight in my stomach and shoulders. I was scared about what others would think of me and avoided taking risks that could lead to embarrassment.
But, I learned how to change all that and I'm eager to share that you so you can avoid the same agonizing years I spent sitting on the sidelines watching life pass me by.

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